Dear Mom I am jealous my daughter loves you more
Most
people might look upon me as a strange breed of working mom who isn't bitten by
the guilt factor while she spends 12 hours without her baby. What sort of a mom
is that they may wonder? Aren't working moms supposed to be constantly ridden
by guilt of not spending enough time with their children?
In
my case as I have always spoken in my blogs I never feel guilty cos my daughter
is looked after by my mom. I know she is in good hands, on days I need to spend
longer time at work or that quarterly office party which I cannot be giving
excuses to miss each time, I attend it carefree for I know she is peacefully
snuggled in bed with my mom by her side. Also another reason is- I realized
this mindless guilt will only cause damage to me by eating me up bit by bit.
It's not that I would ever quit my job or take up a less demanding one. I have
studied hard to get this far and my ambition is to grow in my career - is it
the money that lures me or the position or being in a ultra-chic job profile of
working for one of the best companies? Well a bit of all.
I have enjoyed a good lifestyle from the time
I stayed earning. I like spending on myself and my dear ones. Be it a luxury
Michael Kors handbag or those lovely shoes from Clarks, an impromptu dinner at
the New Mex restaurant or a vacation with my Mom in Singapore. Not just these,
I am happy that I invested my hard earned money on buying a house. It gives me
an immense sense of pride. I like working, enjoy the financial freedom it gives
me, the intellectual stimulation and a chance to meet people, learn, experience
good and bad things and grow as a person. Tomorrow when my daughter grows up I
would want her to feel free in choosing to do what she likes and not be bound
by these artificial barriers we as a society have created - Oh you are a woman
, family comes first, what about your child, don't you feel guilty?”
I
would not say that I never face an iota of guilt I do at times for I am human
but I try to fight it out for I know it serves no good.
I
just returned from a business trip to Switzerland. I had taken my mom and
daughter along as it was a one month trip. I thought it would be nice for my
mom to see such a beautiful place as well and I will have my daughter with me
for a month. The trip was wonderful - Switzerland is endowed with natural
beauty, the people are very friendly, I loved the sight of snow capped mountains
and the serene lake, ate chocolates and ice cream to my heats content. I liked
meeting my colleagues in the Zurich office in person, it was a great experience
in terms of working in a hub location.
The
only thing that stood out as s sore thumb in my otherwise dream vacation was -
Angel seemed a bit distant from me. As I was working in a different location I
spend longer hours at work left at 8 in the morning and was back only by 7.30
or later. She was asleep when I left for work and by the time I was back though
we had a couple of hours before bedtime, I was kind of tired and sleepy most
days. I did play with her, talk to her but it was different from how it used to
be back home.
At
home I go to work late by 1 usually so we get the whole morning together. Both
of us are fresh after a good night’s sleep and we spend good time together.
Though I come home late on most nights she is awake and keeps looking at the
door calling out Mumma sometimes as she seems to know I am on my way back home.
But here it was different.
Maybe because of my hectic schedule, because she was
in a new place, she drew closer to my mom and aloof from me. At night when we
went to bed and I called her to come lay down beside Mumma she wouldn't come.
She uttered less of Mumma Mumma now or was I imagining that? It made me angry,
upset, jealous, and sad.
When
I thought of it in hindsight I realized it’s a part of my parenting journey. As
she grew up went to school had stuff to do, I would often not be around with
her to help her. It would be my mom who would be doing this with her. It is
obvious that people feel closer to those who they spend maximum time with. As a
kid my mother was at home in my growing years and we forged a thick bond of not
just mother daughter but of friends. A good friend of mine who was brought up
by her grandparents was closer to them than her she was to her mom.
This
does not imply that as a working mother one would never cater to the needs of
her child or the relationship will never blossom. That's definitely not what I
believe. A mother child bond is always special and will remain so. Spending
quality time with your child, making the most of weekends and days off, being a
friend he or she can go to without any in habitation is what makes the
difference. But it's also important to be aware that there may be times when as
a working parent one cannot be readily available- I know this will be a major
challenge for me as she grows up and I grow in my career as well. Balancing a
flourishing career which means more time at work, meetings at erratic timings,
possible travel at times and being there for your child to help him in his
project work, home work, take him for extracurricular activities - these are
conflicting goals and trying to work our way through will always mean a few
misses and disappointments- it is a herculean task.
Each
parent’s journey is unique - for me I am lucky that I can work and not worry about
my child's well being. I do not feel guilty as well which makes it easier but I
do feel those feelings of envy at times and when I look into the near future I
feel a bit unsettled at times thinking if she will love me as much as I love
her. But I know when she is a young lady ready to take a leap she will look at
me and know she can run after her dreams and seize them. Just as my mother
stood behind me as a pillar of support I will be there for her. I can already
imagine myself as a cool grand mom with the Louis Vuitton handbag who takes her
grand kids to the park. :-)
Author’s
note: This post is purely about me as an individual sharing my feelings and
journey as a mother. In no way does this imply anything against working mums,
as I say this is an individual choice and needs to be respected – Working or
SAHM. Also I am not looking for any advice on how to proceed in my journey- I
do not have all answers but I am certain I and my daughter will figure them out
as we move ahead in our wonderful unique journey. Lastly please refrain from
personal attacks – bear in mind this is not a universal statement but an
opinion and thoughts of an individual, what holds good for me may not hold good
for you. Let’s respect each other’s differences. Thanks for reading and happy
to read your comments.
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