I wish you were born a boy
My dear Angel, I remember much before you were even conceived I always
had this desire to be a mom of a baby girl first. And when I was pregnant all I
could think of was pretty frocks and ribbons and a little baby girl running all
over the house. At times I obsessed over having a baby girl so much that I was
reminded by your Mama (my younger brother) that what if this is a little boy in
your tummy? He may think Mumma doesn’t love me at all. This not a good thing to
do. And then I forcefully reminded myself to refer to the baby in my womb as
just a baby and not a she/he. Let’s be gender neutral I said to myself but the
wish remained.
I couldn't contain
my happiness when I gave birth to you and the first question I asked -Is it a
boy or girl? When they told me it’s a girl just as you wanted, I literally
wanted to jump with joy. In hindsight I think, I would have been equally
jubilant if it were a boy.
This journey
of 16 months has been incredible my child and as every Mom does, I wish and
pray for the best and only the best for you- in terms of happiness, good
health, success, education, family, friends, luck, fortune, money, peace, love.
May you find them all and may you stay blessed.
There are those rare times though when I look around at all the
women around me right from Mai (My Mom) to Tamu (my grandma), Basamma (our
maid) to my colleagues, friends, and so many others around and think- is it
easy being a woman? Hell no. Whatever strata of society one belongs to,
whatever age, qualification, it is not easy for any of us- physically,
mentally, and socially. And then I ask myself- as a mother who always wants the
best for her offspring, should I have wished you were born a boy?
1) Right
from the time you are born, people judge you by your appearance- Angel has big
and beautiful eyes just like you but she looked very fair when she was born,
now she is getting darker. Take care and apply channa powder, that way she will
be brighter. And don’t let her watch much TV as she grows up else she will have
to wear glasses like you. And I wonder would so much of judgment have poured in
if you were a boy?
2) As you grow
into a young girl, running and playing, laughing and throwing up your head in
the air, some of them might tell you- “Hey girl don’t laugh so loudly, that’s
not how girls laugh, don’t sit with your legs wide spread, don’t talk back, don’t
argue, don't play in the hot sun. And you may wonder why these are not being
told to the boys around.
3) You grow older
and enter the storm of puberty; you get your first period. I on my part will
make sure you are well equipped to deal with it by imparting the right
information to you at a much younger age, the facts shall not be hidden so I
would not expect you to be taken by shock and a sense of confusion like I had
faced due to lack of knowledge that such a thing even existed. No I will not do
that to you. But I still can't control the cramps, the back aches and the
discomfort that you might have to endure. I fervently pray that you go through
none of these and have a pain free period , may it be nothing like the
nightmare I suffered month on month which made me tear my hair and at times
wish I could give anything to take away this pain. Not everyone has it and I
hope you are one of those lucky few. At times I think why is it only women who
need to go through this? People sometimes use it as a bait to deny us equal
opportunities saying you are physically weak and at times our own kin (women)
look down upon us saying we are faking it, someone who has not endured it would
never how bad it is. I wonder what right they have to levy these accusations. I
point a finger at God and say " this is not fair, whatever happened to
balancing the scales"
4) As you grow
older, and new people enter your life, “friends” who might be of the opposite
sex. No I won’t frown at that cos I have a few of them who are my besties,
so why should you be denied the right to explore this awesome relationship
whose boundaries are not defined by gender. But I also worry at times about how
unfairly you would be judged, whereas the guy friend will not be. You would be
termed by some as "too open". Isn’t this unfair you may ask me and I
hate to tell you yes honey it is – “It’s a man's word”
5) I love dressing
you up in shorts and a tee and when you are a big girl and if you still feel at
home in these clothes, as much as I would want my daughter to have the freedom
to choose what she wears, you may find me stopping you from wearing these when
you go out. I don’t know how the world would be 10 years down the line but as a
parent I would always worry for your safety.
6) Your safety
being forefront in my mind I may stop you from staying out late, attending
parties and the reason is not because I don't trust you honey but because I
don't trust the world and I fear they might harm my princess.
7) As you embark
on a new journey in your professional life, you would be full of aspirations
and would want to conquer the world. I would stand by you my love, but I know
there would be people around who, rather than boosting your morale would ask
you the question that every young woman is asked- “so when are you getting
married?” Career and all is ok but don't get too immersed into it and miss out
on marrying at the right age. I know you would be strong enough to pay no heed
but at times when you look around and see your friends tying the knot and as
you wait for the right man, the wait may probably seem too long, I hope you
stay strong and don’t let these deter you.
8) You meet Prince
Charming and though your wedding day would be the happiest of my life, it would
also be a sad day to see you leave this home where we have built so many
beautiful memories over the years, makes me think why do daughters have to
leave? I do hope and pray you get a good life partner who respects you and
values your dreams and you have equally supportive in laws who treat you as their
daughter, but I do worry what if this is not true? What if you are not treated
as an equal? What if their expectations are that you be the good homemaker and
they judge your goodness by the rotis you make instead of your intelligence and
other qualities.
9) Then starts the
wish for a baby and God forbid the good news takes a tad longer to come, it is
always the woman at fault. Either for waiting too long or her sedentary life
style and age preventing her from conceiving. How do we jump to such illogical
conclusions I wonder?
10) Ah there is a
lovely baby - but rather than asking about your health and the baby's, they would
ask if this was a normal or C -section? Did you take epidural? (No capacity to
withstand pain) Are you breastfeeding? If not, this is blasphemy? You will be labeled
a lazy and selfish mom.
11) And then
starts the years of raising a child which would be truly taxing although very
wonderful too. You will be judged for everything right from the child being too
thin/ fat, to not intelligent enough, rude, noisy, and not good at sports, silent,
and so much more. The finger always points at the mother first. You will be
called the working mom who doesn’t have enough time for her child or the stay
at home mom who sits at home whole day and her child is still not up to the
mark.
12) The sunset of
life- can you live these golden days per your wishes? I hope so or maybe not.
For you may be called upon to fulfill your responsibilities as a grand mom and
I really hope you do it only if you truly wish to do it. If you have other
plans for yourself, don’t hesitate to say no.
Life is never easy
for a woman- sometimes society's way of judging woman unfairly, for anything
that goes wrong its always the woman at fault- she is the one dressed in the
short skirt who keeps talking to boys, the career minded woman who neglects her
family, the mother who ii at home the whole day yet her children strayed, she paid
no attention to her husband that’s why he had an affair, she is the Daughter in
law who is responsible for the family separating. The expectation that she is a
super woman who should deftly handle everything right from cooking tasty meals,
to taking care of the kids, to being the career woman, the trophy wife, the
ideal daughter in law, the perfect mom, the doting daughter, the good hostess- Unrealistically high expectations these are.
And yes she is expected to be in shape; fit and healthy else she wouldn’t be
that epitome of perfection. Menstruation which could be extremely painful for
some, child birth, menopause - they say these are borne by women because they
are strong but at times I really wish men got a fair share too
Life is not
going to be easy my dear but being a woman and having seen my fair share (I am
certain there is so much more to come) I would raise you as a strong and
confident girl and I wish you sail through all that life dishes out with vigor
and only emerge stronger.
(Dear readers this
post is just a reflection of a woman's life, this by no means implies I wish my
child was a boy. As mentioned in the start, I always wanted a girl and I am
happy God blessed me with a healthy child. I have only used this reference of “My
wish you were born a boy” to portray the stark differences in life of a man and
woman. I hope you take it in the right spirit)
What a lovely expression :-)
ReplyDeleteCheers, Archana - www.travelwitharchie.com
Thanks a ton Archana!
DeleteThanks a ton Archana!
DeleteThanks a lot!
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot!
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